Snarky Commentary on Disney's "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"

My mother never allowed me to watch The Hunchback of Notre Dame when I was younger, so this weekend I watched it for my very first time ever. I decided that I should record my every thought because after all, my opinion is the most important. Here are my unfiltered thoughts throughout the movie:

3:50 – This movie is very violent and scary already. Good job Mom for not letting me watch this one.

4:15 - Attempt at infanticide at only the 5 minute mark? They just get right into it, don’t they.

4:30 – I’m already sick of every mention of “Notre Dame” getting a little sing-along. Let’s hope this doesn’t continue through the rest of the movie.

7:40 - Another stereotypical British mentor. Classic Disney.

10:00 – I wonder if Phil from Disney’s Hercules is just a better version of the shorter gargoyle.

22:00 - Was that just a transferring range of focus shot? Dang they really stepped up the animation in this one.

23:44 – ESMERALDA IS VAGUELY POLE-DANCING WHAAAAT.

26:21 – Oh wow, a true Carrie moment. Good thing Quasimoto isn't psychokinetic or this would be different kind of Disney movie.

36:21 – Uhhh I'm getting a little uncomfortable with all these religious undertones...

40:17 – I’m starting to notice more and more that Esmeralda has lighter skin on the poster for Hunchback than she does in the actual movie. That's an interesting marketing strategy.

51:31 – Something about the combination of Frollo faceplanting on the ground and an immediate zoom out makes me laugh so hard. Maybe they could've shown his angst a little bit differently. 

56:33 - Ahhh here comes the less catchy "Be Our Guest."

1:01:00 – The card heart ripping thing was a bit too much. I don’t need your clear metaphors, Disney. I got it.

1:02:04 – I think this is just me, but I almost had a heart attack when Quasimodo pulled the tablecloth up over an open flame.

1:02:33 – Frollo’s got some bling-bling.

1:04:01 – Ok, the people in this movie need to be more cautious with flames. …And why hasn’t the church caught on fire yet if he just threw fire on wood?

1:06:41 – Wait a minute, didn’t Phoebus get shot in the back with an arrow maybe a couple hours ago???? This could only mean one thing...

...or just Disney "magic."

1:11:51 - Here comes the two dimensional archdeacon again. And what impeccable timing he has to advise Frollo against doing something!

1:13:11 – Hunchback: The Original Spiderman

1:14:21 – Look at that dynamic 3D shot. So good.

1:21:04 – No way did Phoebus just catch a falling Quasimodo. AND HE WAS JUST SHOT IN THE BACK A COUPLE HOURS AGO!!!

1:21:43 - Ok since when does lighting a house on fire a few miles away equate to an entire city turning into the fiery pits of Hell. Get out of here with your nonsense, Disney. 

       Alright, so this movie wasn't as bad as my snide comments were making it seem, but it definitely has some serious pitfalls. First of all, the gargoyles were definitely missing some charisma. They simply didn't stand out to me and I felt like that could've been something that gave another level to the film. Also, the archdeacon would've been interesting to explore and could've given more dimension to the film. Instead, Disney simply uses him whenever Frollo needs a warning. Just as the secondary characters were lacking, the music needed some changes too. While it wasn't bad, it simply wasn't catchy enough for a Disney film. Although I think Esmeralda's spunk is a good example for young girls, I'm not really upset with my mom for not allowing me to see this movie. I'd say Belle was probably a better role model anyway.